


justice rank [REDACTED]

by chashmish



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Crack, M/M, One Shot Collection, Various AUs, ranges from very stupid to only slightly stupid, rated T for The occasional crude sexual joke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 22:10:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19094083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chashmish/pseuds/chashmish
Summary: A collection of Goro/Ren crack fics, which I previously posted to tinyThoughts and linked on Twitter. They're AO3's problem now.1) Coffee shop AU: “But you see, I am extremely broke. Like, insane levels of broke. I have no money. None."2) Can't-get-enough-sleep AU: "Oh! Maybe the reason you look better is because you're sleeping with Ren."3) Ren-is-annoying AU: "Why approach things withfeelingsandemotionswhen you could just make convoluted plans?”4) Ann-is-persistent AU: "Well, I'll be fine with whatever as long as I don't have to talk to Ren's weird boyfriend."5) Mile-high-club AU: "Come here often?" "This is a plane."6) Movie theater AU: “I’m more than just flawless and beautiful and effervescent. Though I am all of those things, of course.”





	1. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goro handles an irritating customer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not responsible for the mistakes of anyone who chooses to take these seriously

Goro Akechi ran a hand through his perfectly-styled hair. He surreptitiously checked his reflection in a spoon. He waited for someone to walk into the café where he worked full-time and fall in love with him.

“Hey, Akechi, can you change the filter in the machine?” came the voice of his coworker, Sakamoto, who Goro considered to be an irrelevant side character in his life.

Goro gritted his teeth before replying with a smile. “Don’t you think you’d be the one more suited to carrying out menial tasks, due to your diminished cognitive capacity?”

“Huh?” Sakamoto said. He was somehow so thickheaded that he managed to avoid susceptibility to Goro’s subtle psychological manipulation and carefully crafted insults. It was revolting.

It was a cold day, and a rainstorm was happening outside. Goro had just begun to accept that the day would likely be customer-free when without warning, the door swung open in a gust of wind.

A man stood in the entrance, dripping water all over the floor like an animal. He was completely soaked and was not wearing clothing that could even remotely be considered weather-appropriate. Goro gaped for a second before flattening his expression into a neutral customer-service smile.

“Hey,” the man said, smiling pleasantly, before Goro could politely ask him if he wanted to buy anything. He appeared to be addressing Sakamoto.

“Hey, Ren!” Sakamoto said. He turned to Goro. “This is Ren, my best friend.”

“Hm,” said Goro, who regarded all information given to him by Sakamoto as suspect until definitively proven.

Sakamoto’s eyes widened as he looked at Ren. “Dude, you’re soaked. ”  
  
"Yup," said “Ren”. He added reflectively, "It's cold outside."  
  
"Hell yeah it is," Ryuji said. "Why don't you have a coat?"  
  
"Oh, Ryuji," the man ostensibly named Ren said, laughing wisely. He laughed wisely for about another minute until he stopped abruptly. He did not say why he had no coat. "Okay, well, I'm just going to sit here." He pulled out a chair from the closest table.  
  
"Cool,” said Ryuji, returning to diligently wiping down the counter.  
  
"Not so fast,” Goro said.

“Huh?” Ren, if that was even his real name, tilted his head idiotically.

Goro smiled pleasantly. “If you’re going to be here, custom dictates that you buy something.”

“Ah,” Ren (a possible alias) said, leaning back in his chair. He smiled knowingly. “I see just what’s going on here. What’s your name?”

“...Akechi,” said Goro.

“Akechi,” said the man whose name could not be clearly ascertained from the information available. “Akechi, Akechi, Akechi. You see, the thing about what you just said is that it is a very good point. Really great.”

“I didn’t think it was that great,” said Sakamoto.

“But you see,” the strange man continued, “I am extremely broke. Like, insane levels of broke. I have no money. None. So I think I’m just going to wait out this storm here, if you don’t mind.”

“I _do_ mind,” Goro said, glaring. 

“Huh?” the rando said again.

"I don't respect freeloaders,” said Goro, who had been fired from his last office job for systematically embezzling money in order to purchase expensive skincare products. "If you’re running short on cash there are plenty of employment opportunities available for an able man such as yourself. Why don’t you seek some out and then return here?’

“Hey, why don’t you–” Sakamoto raged, but the man whose name could be anything held up a hand to stop him.

“Now just hold on. You’re not _really_ saying I need money to come here.”

“That is extremely what I am saying,” said Goro.

“You’re saying,” he continued, ignoring him, “that I need to raise my charm stat.”

“Untrue,” said Goro.

“And I think,” the nameless wonder announced, standing up, “that when I do, I can convince you to give me coffee. For free.”

“Never happening,” said Goro.

“Great! Then it’s on. I’m going to go work on my master plan to become someone you won’t be able to resist lavishing in free stuff. Bye for now!” Though the storm was still raging, he headed for the door.

“Stop,” Goro ordered.

“What?” The mystery man turned around.

“...Let me see your ID.”

“Oh. Okay, I guess.” “Ren” retrieved his wallet and handed it over. Goro examined the plastic card. Sure enough, REN AMAMIYA was written on it.

“An excellent forgery,” Goro murmured.

“What?” Ren said. “That’s my real ID.”

"Fine, _Ren,”_ Goro said, cutting his eyes at him. He’d play along.

The next day Ren came in again. It was not raining, so he was not wet, and he had clearly made an effort to look presentable. Not that Goro cared.

“Hello,” Goro said. “What can I get for you today? In exchange for money?”

“I would like…” Ren paused. “A cup of water.”

“That’s free, y’know!” Sakamoto said, poking his head out from the kitchen. “Can’t charge for it. Company rules.”

“Fine,” Goro said thinly. He poured the requisite cup and set it on the counter with barely-restrained force. “Here.”

“Thank you,” Ren said, giving him a warm, genuine smile. Goro blinked and looked away to prepare a pot of coffee. There were no customers, but in the absence of any other substances Goro thought he could use the boost himself.

Ren stared at him for a few moments in contemplative silence.

“Are you going to say something?” Goro said abruptly.  
  
"I don't know," Ren admitted. "I was thinking about making a crude sexual joke but you keep casually moving that hot pot of coffee closer and it's making me feel like I may be in danger of severe burns. Hey, could I get a cup?”

“Do you have money?”

“No…”

“Then get out.”  
  
"I regret to inform you that I am here again and I still don't have money so I'm gonna continue to need water," said Ren the day after that, entering the café with a solemn look on his face.

Goro wordlessly poured some water into a cup.

“Or coffee,” Ren said hopefully. “If you’ve got it.”

Goro opened his mouth to yell, but before he could, he was struck with inspiration. He composed himself and smiled. “Actually, I believe I have just the thing for you.”

“Really?” Ren perked up.

“Really. One moment.” Goro took the glass of water into the back and reached for a bag of beans on a shelf. Carefully, he opened it and held out his hand before shaking a single bean onto his palm. After returning the bag to its place, he returned to Ren. “Here you go,” Goro announced. He dropped the bean into the cup and put it on the counter.

Ren stared at the solitary bean, floating in the water.

“It’s a new blend of ours,” Goro said cordially.

That day, Ren left the coffee shop a broken man.

But a mere day later, he’d returned. And this iteration of Ren was enough to make Goro stop in his tracks.

“Why?” Goro demanded, after a moment of silence.

“Why not?” Ren said flippantly, smoothing down the folds of the tuxedo he was very loudly wearing. “Don’t I look nice?”

Goro started to say “yes” automatically but managed to disguise it as a hacking cough. “Your choice of clothing is of no interest to me. I only care if you have money. To pay. For the food or drink that we _sell_ .”  
  
"Well," said Ren, "my plan was to just walk in here wearing a tuxedo and impress you. In my vision you would say something like ‘God, Ren, you’re so hot, you can have all the coffee you want for free and also my body’. So just feel free to say that at any time. I’ll wait.”

Goro had so much to say that he sputtered a little, but he decided on a single question in reply. “How, do you have enough money to _rent a tuxedo,_ but not to buy a single cup of coffee?!”

“Oh,” Ren said. “I traded for this.”

“You… _traded?_ ”

“Yeah. You know, at a clothes swap. Everyone’s doing it now. It’s the next big thing.”

“Please leave,” Goro said.

“So…” Ren looked down at the suit and then back up at Goro. “Is this not doing anything for you, or–”

“Get _out._ ”

The morning after that Ren brought a cat into the café. It was a small gray kitten. It meowed adorably. Both Ren and the cat looked at Goro with adoring, trusting eyes.

Goro shifted uncomfortably but held firm. “No pets are allowed, I’m afraid. Take your cat outside.”  
  
"This cat is not mine alone," Ren replied. "This cat belongs to the people of Japan."  
  
"Please tell the people of Japan to take the cat outside," said Goro.  
  
Ren frowned. "I don't have the means to hold a national referendum."  
  
The cat purred.  
  
"Well, I'd ask that it leave as a favor, because I happen to be allergic to cats," Goro said, lying.

Ren seemed to wilt. “Really?”

"Yes,” Goro said, but he hesitated. Still, rules were rules. “Yes, and it’s a particularly bad allergy so I suggest you leave as soon as possible.”

“Oh,” Ren said. He looked extremely downcast. “Okay. I wouldn’t want you to suffer.”

“Thank you,” Goro said stiffly.

Ren slowly turned away. He took a step towards the door. He took another step.

Goro bit his lip. "Wait."

Ren turned around, looking at him hopefully.

Goro groaned. "I… never mind. It can stay.”

“Great!” Ren grinned widely and came towards the counter. “In that case, the usual, please.”

Goro began to pour out a cup of water, but stopped suddenly. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” Ren said.

“If I finally make you a cup of coffee, will you go away?”

“Yes!” Ren said, grinning again. He considered. “Well, for today.”

Goro sighed. “Fine. Then...I will make you one cup.”

Ren’s eyes shone with hope. “Really?”

“Yes. Shut up. Sit down.” Ren obediently sat down on a stool by the counter. The cat bounded out of his arms and curled up in a corner.

As Goro prepared the coffee, he felt a strange tenseness come over him. Something made him feel as if this cup of coffee would be one of the most significant creations of his life. It was as if he could feel the influence of the nine Muses guiding his hand as he grinded the beans or whatever it is you do to make coffee.

At long last, he’d finished. He slowly brought the cup over to Ren and set it down. “There you go. One cup of our house blend.”

“Thank you,” Ren said, a little teary. “Thank you so much. I really am so–”

“Just drink it.”

Ren raised the cup to his lips. He closed his eyes. He took a sip.

Then he looked at Goro.  
  
"Akechi," Ren breathed.  
  
Goro swallowed. "Yes?"  
  
"This coffee..." Ren bit his lip, his face flushed. “It…”

 _"Yes?”_ Goro said, leaning forward, heart racing, knuckles white as his hands gripped the counter.

“It…” Ren looked at him, affection in his eyes. "...really sucks. Like it's just seriously not good. Is this why there’s never anyone else in here?"  
  
And it was then that Ren was banned from the coffee shop forever. Later, he crowdfunded enough money online to buy a Keurig. Goro did not contribute a single cent. 


	2. Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goro discovers the surprising secret to sleeping well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few of these are in present tense because that's how I wrote them originally and I can't change it now because I feel that I take an entirely different tone when I write in present tense and it would upset the delicate equilibrium of blah blah blah, you know how it is.

"Just say it," Goro says.  
  
"What?" Ren scratches at his cheek, eyes blinking inquisitively from behind those stupid glasses.   
  
"If you want me," Goro all but hisses, "just say it."   
  
Ren's eyes go wide. "Oh."   
  
He doesn't know why he picked today to do this. Maybe he's just gotten tired of Ren’s stupid little ambiguous comments, the suggestion in every word and look, the game of it, maybe he wants it done, over, solved, maybe it's because he's in a bit of a dry spell and Ren presents an opportunity.   
  
Maybe it's all of those things. Anyway, Goro is pissed off.   
  
"Well," Ren says, trying the flirty thing again. "I think you can figure that out for yourse-"   
  
"Goodbye," Goro says, turning.   
  
"No, wait! Wait." Ren grabs his arm.

Goro looks down at his grip on it.

“I– yeah.” Ren grins. “I do.”

So it begins. 

* * *

As has been made clear from the beginning, it’s just sex. Which is great, because Goro doesn't really have to think about it when he texts Ren  and when Ren asks if he can come over Goro only has to say _yes_ and there are no questions, there are no romantic gestures, there are only Ren’s occasional annoying jokes and non-serious flirtation and yeah, the sex is good, thanks for asking. It is more than enough, because Goro doesn’t have time for anything else, too absorbed with class and trying not to be crushed under the weight of his responsibilities, or the desire, really, especially for someone like Ren, whose primary goal in life seems to be to bring Vine back.   
  
So it’s fine.

But then it goes wrong.   
  
It starts with the first time, after which Ren stays the night. When Goro wakes up in the morning, it’s– the first time he’s woken up.

That doesn’t make sense. Because he _always_ wakes up during the night. If not because of reasons he can’t even discern, it’s because of… dreams. Vestiges of half-remembered nightmares that leave him shaking slightly in his skin, nauseating fear caused by something he can’t even fucking remember, which somehow manages to make it even more terrifying. If he had to guess at the contents of his bad dreams, though–

He could probably figure it out.  
  
It doesn’t happen that first night that Ren is in his bed. It’s confusing, but Goro doesn’t have time to think about it because Ren’s just woken up and is absorbed with a game on his phone that keeps playing its tinny soundtrack because he has the volume turned up.

“That is so fucking annoying, you know,” Goro says.

“Clear this level for me, pretty please?” Ren tries puppy-dog eyes, which never works because his eyes are too much like a cat’s. A feral cat.

“Bite me,” Goro replies.

“I can and will,” says Ren, and the stupid game is then forgotten.

So that’s the first sign, the first clue that something is wrong, but not the last. Because sometimes Goro goes home alone from Ren’s instead of staying the night, and just like that it’s back, the bad dreams and the unwanted wakefulness and the bottle of pills on his nightstand, and sometimes Ren needs to make it back to his place early instead of warming Goro’s bed for the night and it’s the same thing, ineffective pills, dreams, a cold sweat and the alarm clock informing him of his body’s failures.

But when they sleep together and then _sleep_ together it’s– like he can actually rest.

Which is worrying, but Goro brushes it aside. It’s definitely, probably, a fluke, because there’s no way that his problem can be so easily fixed.   
  
And then– it becomes abundantly clear. It’s when Ren is in his kitchen in the morning, sleepy and shirtless and going through Goro's fridge and asking why he only basically has eggs and pancake mix and does he only eat breakfast food and Goro, who’s on the couch thinking about how he doesn’t want to go to class, says it's just what’s most convenient and Ren says he could never live that way, you at least need some fucking rice in your pantry, or greens in your diet, that's what Ryuji always tells him anyway, and Goro asks when Ryuji became a health nut and Ren says oh, high school, probably, before he comes over to him and says, hot into his ear, "But I don't really want to talk about Ryuji right now."   
  
Invoking Sakamoto's name is a profoundly unsexy way to initiate anything but Goro's pants somehow land somewhere south of the couch.   
  
And then later, a short while later, his eyes snap open, Ren suddenly shifting close to him.   
  
"Fuck," Ren says, with dawning horror. “I have class in twenty minutes.” He makes to move and somehow rolls off the couch, landing with a thump on the floor. "Ow! Fuck!”

“Was I... asleep?” Goro says, slowly coming to life and not paying attention to Ren’s yowls of pain.

“Yeah, both of us, only for thirty minutes, I think– God, I’m so stupid.” Ren rubs his head and gets to his feet. “Where the hell is my shirt?”   
  
"I don't know," Goro says, still distracted. "Why do I feel–”

He’s bad with naps; they always give him headaches, especially shitty thirty-minute naps on his uncomfortable couch with his stupid not-boyfriend on top of him poking into him with his stupid sharp elbows, but right now it’s– No headache. And he barely slept last night, but somehow he feels– well-rested?

And then he has to come to terms with it, in a sudden realization, what he’s been avoiding thinking about.  
  
He can only sleep unimpeded when he's with Ren.   
  
"Oh, fuck," Goro says.   
  
"Yeah, I'm running so late.” Ren’s found his shirt somewhere, gathered his things in his bag, is headed for the door. “See you lateeeer," he sings before he leaves, because he knows it annoys Goro when he draws out his words.

“Shut up,” Goro says, but he’s too late, the door’s already closed behind Ren. He gets up, figures he should get ready too.

And then he looks inside his kitchenette, and growls. Ren’s left the eggs on the counter. _Asshole._

"You look healthier lately,” says Ann. They’re having lunch, but it’s not fun because Ann has an exam in an hour, for the same class he took last year, and she’s peppering him with questions in between bites of one of those shitty boxed slices of cake the cafeteria sells, which is not a meal, as he tells her, as she ignores.

Goro squints. “Do I not usually seem healthy?”

“No, but you seem, like, more alive. It’s good!" Ann underlines something in a notebook and frowns at it. “You know, when I underline something in my notes, I feel really proud because it seems like I’m being productive, but I don’t think it actually really helps.”

"Probably not,” says Goro, “but it’s a human tendency to apply ourselves by way of meaningless methodology. Though if you think about it, it is only when we cease to truly make an effort that we fail.” 

“Yeah, sure, I guess.” Ann taps her pencil against her cheek. "Oh! Maybe the reason you look better is because you're sleeping with Ren."  
  
“That’s– you–” Goro cuts his eyes at her, then pinches the bridge of his nose. “How do you know this?”

Ann rolls her eyes. “I’m his best friend, Goro. Of course he told me. But I would have figured it out anyway, you know.”

Goro opens his mouth to argue but then realizes she is probably right, because when she actually bothers paying attention to people she is uncannily perceptive.

“Anyway, I’m proud you’re taking this step to become a better you!” Ann smiles.

Goro groans. “Don’t speak of it as if it’s some kind of– daily multivitamin.”

Ann’s eyes bug out. “Daily?!”

“It’s an expression!” But suddenly, he realizes something, squinting at the cover of Ann’s book on the table. “Hold on a moment. Why are you reading that now?” 

“...Huh?” 

“I recall reading it much farther along in the semester last year.”

“...Wait.” Ann pulls a folder out of her bag, flips through it, pulls out the syllabus, and gazes at it with an expression of abject horror.

“Ann,” Goro says.

 “FUCK!” Ann roars.

* * *

 

"Do you have nightmares?" Ren says, and Goro jumps, not because of the words but because he’s suddenly come out of nowhere from behind Goro when he’s trying to brush his teeth.   
  
"That's–” Goro spits into the sink, dabs his mouth with a towel and turns to Ren with a frown. “Why do you ask?”     
  
“Because last night I got up for a bit because I forgot I had a paper due today and I needed to work on it–” 

“Wow.”  
  
“Shut up. I got up for a bit and when I came back, you were–” Ren’s mouth turns down in a concerned frown, his eyes looking a little brighter. “Shaking.”  

"Oh." Goro turns away, grips the edge of the counter with a closed fist. “I– don’t know. Perhaps it was a nightmare. Who knows?” 

“You’re not as good at lying as you think,” Ren says, and now his voice is a shade too serious.

Goro flinches. “It’s nothing. Why does it matter to you?”

“Not trying to baby you or anything.” Ren’s looking at him, too intently. “It just seemed bad, so… I got worried.”

 _He got worried._ And just hearing it makes Goro’s heart thump a little faster, and this is why it’s awful. Because he can’t pretend, anymore, that he doesn’t like being around Ren, that his presence isn’t calming in a way that makes no sense for someone like him to be. This is why it’s awful. This is why it’s going wrong. Because no one could really care if they really knew him, so this– this thing with Ren is all he’s going to get.  

“And I’ve never seen it happen before,” Ren says softly.

“It’s because it doesn’t happen,” Goro says, talking too fast and too much but somehow he’s saying it anyway, “when I’m sleeping with you.”

“What?” Ren says, definitely surprise on his face as he leans closer.

Goro covers his face with his hands. “I don’t have bad dreams when I’m sleeping with you.” 

Ren tilts his head. “Maybe it’s just– when it’s someone else with you–”   
  
"No. This has never happened before, so it's you." Goro looks away. "Just you." 

They’re silent for a moment, and then Ren reaches over and takes his hand. Goro doesn’t look, can’t bear to see their fingers entwined.   
  
"Hey, Goro. I don't mind sleeping with you," Ren says. "Like actually sleeping. Or, you know, watching a movie. Or taking a walk. Or eating together. Or just doing nothing."   
  
"That's not what this…” Goro feels something in his chest, something that isn’t meant to be there, stupid Ren, his stupid body, his stupid brain. “What this was supposed to be."   
  
"Things change all the time," Ren says cheerfully. "For example, I've changed my major four times this year."   
  
"I thought it was five."   
  
"Oh, yeah. I forgot about the week and a half where I developed a sudden passion for ceramics. Look, Goro." Ren leans closer. "Don't be scared of me. Don’t be scared of this. I think you like me, and I like you too.”

“I’m…” Goro takes a breath. “You don’t know what you’re doing.” 

“I do. Trust me, I do. I want this. I want you. Just like you asked me, remember?” Ren smiles crookedly. It’s such a cute smile. Disgusting. Goro’s resolve is melting.   

“How do you even– you don’t know I want this, too,” Goro protests lamely.   

“Then tell me you don’t,” Ren says patiently. “Just say you don’t want to be my boyfriend, for real.”

Goro opens his mouth to do just that but then he’s thinking of Ren’s soft sleepy voice and how he looks in Goro’s kitchen and even the sounds from his stupid phone games and his cat eyes and his calming voice and his arms around Goro and he can’t do it. He can’t. So he tries to think of something else to say, but he’s wordless, suddenly, and can only close his mouth, can only reach out and lean his head on Ren’s shoulder.

He feels more than hears Ren laugh- the slight vibration of his chest.

"Hey," Ren says, pulling him into his arms, and Goro lifts his gaze so he can meet Ren’s eyes. "Wanna take a nap?"   
  
Goro smiles, slightly, a real smile, and rubs at his eyes. "I think that would be lovely."


	3. Human Contact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren concocts an unnecessarily elaborate plan to give Goro a hug.

Ever since they had successfully saved Akechi from death in the cruise ship palace Ren had been plagued by a strange impulse. It was easy enough to forget about whenever Akechi wasn’t around, but whenever he was present, the urge Ren felt was impossible to ignore.

“Hey,” Ren said to Ryuji. “When’s the last time you think anyone’s hugged Akechi?”

They were playing cards in one of Leblanc’s booths. Ryuji looked up from shuffling to say “Huh?” and frown at him. “Weird question, dude.”

“I’m just… doing a project,” said Ren.

“A project about Akechi?”

“Oh, you know,” Ren said airily. 

Ryuji gave him a weird look again. “Well, I don’t know. Maybe…” He considered it. Ren waited.

“...Maybe Sae hugged him? Sometimes?” Ryuji said doubtfully.

They both paused to imagine it. 

“Well,” Ren announced. “That was a weird mental image.” 

“Why do you care so much, anyway?” 

Ren changed the subject, but later on when he said “How do you think I can hug Akechi?” it was to someone he knew would be able to help.

“Hug Akechi?” Makoto repeated. She had come by Leblanc to study. Papers and notebooks were strewn everywhere across the table of the booth. 

“Yup.”

“...Why are you asking me this? And why are you sitting on the table?”

Ren hopped down and slid into the booth opposite her. “You weren’t paying attention to me. And I’m asking because you’re good at strategizing.”

“I’m not sure if I could be of help here. I don’t particularly like being touched. The other day Eiko came up behind me and threw her arms around my waist, and it made me feel… strange.” 

“Maybe you’re just gay,” Ren suggested.

Makoto sighed. “Well… Anyway, I hardly think you need to formulate a strategy to try and hug somebody. In most cases you’d just have to ask.”

“I can’t do  _ that.” _

“And why not?” 

“Because... gross.”

“Hugging Akechi is gross?”

“No, just… I… Why approach things with  _ feelings _ and  _ emotions _ ”– Makoto scrunched her eyebrows together at his usage of air quotes– “when you could just make convoluted plans? It’s more fun.” 

“There’s a lot to unpack in that statement,” Makoto said after a moment.

“Besides, that’s not how things work with Akechi,” Ren explained, in his opinion very reasonably. “You have to think about possibilities and outcomes and whatever. It’s just a rule with him.” 

Makoto put a hand to her chin. “Why do you want to hug Akechi, Ren?”

Ren shrugged. “I don’t know. I just feel like it.”

“Have you thought about it beyond ‘just feeling like it’?”

Ren blinked. “I never do that.” 

“Okay, what about this?” Ren said to Futaba the next day. “I’ll tell him if he doesn’t hug me he can never come back to Leblanc.”

“Why would you say that?” Futaba was playing an old fighting game on the TV in the attic. “Seems like a dick move.”

“It’s not a dick move,” Ren corrected. He was sprawled out on the bed, watching her play, with his chin in his hands. “It’s just a viable strategy. He likes it here, so he’ll be more inclined to say yes.”

"I thought we were done blackmailing and being blackmailed by Akechi. That sucked. You want to do it again?” Futaba demanded.

Ren shook his head vehemently. “That’s not it. I’m just making a strategy.”

“Leave the strategizing to the smart ones, Ren,” Futaba advised sagely before her character on the screen KO’ed. “Fuck! Damn!”

“Don’t swear,” Ren said absently. He lay back on the bed. How was he going to approach this? 

Opportunity came before he was ready later that day at Leblanc, when Ren was working behind the counter. An hour into his shift, the door opened and Akechi walked in. 

“Hello,” Akechi said slowly as the door closed behind him. These days he always looked wary and squinty when he entered Leblanc, as if he expected Ren to spit on him and deny him service. That made Ren depressed, so he usually tried to compensate. The last time Akechi had walked in looking defensive Ren had announced “There he is! My favorite customer!” and started playing a playlist of Black-Eyed Peas songs to really emphasize a festive, jovial mood. It had mostly just made Akechi stare homicidally at him as he sipped his coffee without a trace of mirth on his face. 

So now Ren just said “Hey, welcome,” and gave Akechi a wide smile. Akechi returned the look with what could be considered an optimistic grimace before taking his usual seat at the bar. 

Wordlessly, Ren poured Akechi his usual. Wordlessly, Akechi sipped. 

After a while of silence Akechi pushed his cup over to Ren and stood up. “Goodbye, then.” 

“Wait,” Ren said suddenly. Akechi stopped and raised an eyebrow at him.

Ren thought about the strategy he had formulated. Somehow telling Akechi he could never come back to Leblanc again, even under a condition, suddenly seemed like a pretty shitty idea. He had to think of something else, but what? Ren cleared his throat to buy some time. Akechi watched him blankly. 

After another forty-five seconds of silence Akechi spoke up. “If there isn’t anything, I’ll be on–”

“Let me give you a hug,” Ren said desperately.

Akechi paused. “Sorry?” 

_ Come on, you can do it. You hyped yourself up in the mirror this morning for five whole extra minutes.  _ “Let me… hug you… with my arms.” 

Akechi looked flabbergasted. “Why?”

“Oh, you know,” Ren said evasively. 

“...Right. I’m leaving.”

“No! Wait! I’m serious.” Ren dashed out from behind the bar and stood in front of Akechi. Akechi took a wary step back. Ren took a half-step closer. Akechi took a half-step back. 

“Okay, stop,” Akechi demanded when Ren tried to step closer again. “If you want to… do that, then you need to give me a reason.”

Ren wished Makoto was here so he could yell  _ SEE?  _ at her. “I just… think it’d be nice.” 

“You think it’d be nice,” Akechi repeated.

“Yup,” Ren replied. 

Akechi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “This…” 

He seemed to be deliberating. Ren waited patiently. Finally, Akechi dropped his arms to his side and said “Okay.”  

“Really?” Ren leaned forward.

“Yes.”

Ren beamed. “Okay. But we should probably move away from the door, because–” 

“Right.” Akechi stepped back over near the chairs. He faced Ren, his back to the door, looking as if he was preparing to initiate an attack on an enemy army.

Ren stepped forward, and before Akechi had a chance to change his mind, he wrapped his arms around him.

Wow. This was weird. It felt strange to not see Akechi’s face while being so close to him. Akechi felt… warm, but stiff, mostly, like a large rock in Ren’s arms. A warm rock. A lava rock? An igneous rock?

“Hmm,” Ren said.

“What?” Akechi sounded uncomfortable. 

“Just thinking about rocks. But you know, you have to– you have to hug me back.”

“Why?  _ You _ wanted to hug  _ me _ .”

“But it’s not a real hug if you’re not hugging back,” Ren argued. “This is a give-and-take type of deal.” 

“I… well… okay.” Akechi suddenly sounded hesitant, but he raised his arms and wrapped them around Ren’s back.

Ren smiled wide. That was more like it.

“Oh,” Akechi said.

“What?”

“This is… not bad. I suppose.”

Ren smiled wider. This was already a success. “Nice. You’re doing great, champ.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Understood.”

They stood there in silence for another moment.

“I…” Akechi’s muffled voice spoke up. “You know, it’s been a while, so…”

“Yeah?”

“How long does a usual hug last?”

“Uh…” Ren thought fast. “Ten to fifteen minutes.”

“That doesn’t sound right,” Akechi said, voice doubtful, “but I don’t know enough about hugs to dispute it.” 

Ren shrugged, a gesture Akechi could probably feel more than see. “That’s just how it is.” He lifted his head a little and sniffed. “Your hair smells nice.”

“Th– that’s– why are you smelling my hair?”

“I’m not actively trying to smell it, but I can smell it. What shampoo do you use?” 

“The cheapest one they have at the drugstore.” 

“Oh. Good choice.” 

“Your hair smells… normal.”

“Thank you,” Ren said graciously. They returned to silence.

Akechi didn’t seem like he was uncomfortable anymore, but Ren wasn’t sure if he was doing everything right. He momentarily regretted not Googling  _ “how to hug flawlessly”  _ earlier. 

In Ren’s estimation, they had been hugging for approximately three minutes now.

Akechi’s hair really did smell nice. Ren felt a nearly-uncontrollable urge to reach up and touch it, but he squashed the thought immediately.  _ No, that isn’t what this is. This is all… strategy. Because I thought Akechi might want to be hugged. So. _

He really had been thinking about it a lot, though.

He thought about how he had been thinking about it. He thought about the time Ryuji had cried, in a fit of childish pique, “If you like Akechi so much, why don’t you marry him?!”

Ren considered marrying Akechi. He wondered what color Akechi would pick for a suit. He thought about seating arrangements. He considered seating his mom at the same table as Yusuke. They would probably get along.

“Ren,” said Akechi.

“Yeah?”

“My side feels slightly numb.”

“Oh, sorry.” Ren relaxed his grip. “Is this uncomfortable now? Because if I just get my phone for a second I can look up better hugging tactics.”

“No.” Akechi sighed. “This is nice. You’re the only one I would permit this from, however.”

“Huh?”

“Ah, I mean that–” Akechi sounded flustered and almost started to pull away. “You’re so persistent that you’d probably be the only one to ask, so–”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Ren said quickly, readily agreeing because he wanted to keep hugging. Akechi relaxed slightly in his arms.  _ Okay, good.  _

The door to the shop suddenly opened, and a customer, an older man, stepped inside. When he saw Ren and Akechi, he looked confused.

“We’re having a moment,” Ren mouthed. The man looked even more perturbed, so Ren mouthed it again. 

After another moment of looking lost, the man slowly turned around and walked back outside through the door.

“Who was that?” Akechi asked.

“Uhh, the mailman.”

“Did he leave a package?”

“Sometimes,” Ren said, “it’s less about the package and more about the journey it takes to get to its destination. You know?”

“No, I have no idea what you’re saying.”

“Well, you’ll get it one day.”

It had now probably been at least seven minutes. Akechi seemed to have relaxed completely in Ren’s arms. That was nice. Ren felt strangely giddy. He had never imagined that he could get Akechi to hug him for this long.  _ God, I really am the master of strategy. _

“The last time,” Akechi remarked, “that I was this close to somebody was a few weeks ago.”

“Who? I mean, uh, when?”

“I crashed into an old lady getting off the train.”

“...Was she okay?”

“Yes, but I left quickly. If I was still famous, it would be a PR disaster.”

“Huh. Well, you should probably still be nice to old women, even if you’re not famous.”

“I know. I regretted it, so I made Sae help me find out who she was and wrote her a letter later. I really am trying to make amends, you know.”

“Oh. Well, good job.”

“Thank you.”

“...Hey, Akechi?”

“Yes?”

Ren paused. There were always a hundred things he wanted to say to Akechi now, but somehow he found himself unable to vocalize any of them, like it wasn’t the right time for the words to be spoken. 

Maybe this was why he wanted to hug Akechi, Ren realized. Maybe it was because sometimes words weren’t enough. 

“...Nothing,” Ren said, letting his head fall onto Akechi’s shoulder.

Akechi sighed, and Ren could feel the breath he took. “Okay. By the way, I think it’s been ten minutes.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes.”

“Wow. I didn’t even notice.”

Ren and Akechi slowly pulled away. Separating after so long felt strange and a little heavy. Ren noticed that Akechi’s face was a little red.

“So,” Ren said.

“So,” Akechi repeated. “Thank you for that. I thought you might have nefarious purposes, but I suppose you proved me wrong.”

“What nefarious purposes would I achieve through a hug?”

Akechi shrugged. “I don’t know, but I consider myself an expert in the area of nefarious purposes. Well.” He looked away awkwardly. “I suppose I’ll take my leave. Also, I know how hugs work, Ren.”

“Of course you do. I just showed you.”

Akechi gave him a look. “I mean I know they don’t normally take ten minutes.”

“Well…” Ren shrugged. “They should.”

And then, something incredible happened. Akechi actually gave him a real smile, one Ren hadn’t seen before. Then he said, “You’re an idiot. Thank you, Ren. I’ll see you later.”

All in all, Ren reflected later, his plan was a success. 


	4. First Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ann investigates Ren's new, weird boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter was also the original title of _Pride and Prejudice_. What could it all mean? Probably nothing.

They had each received one from Haru: an envelope embossed with  _ You’re Invited  _ in dainty letters. Inside was an invitation for a company fundraiser.    


“Why does a corporation need to have a fundraiser?” asked Ryuji. “Don’t they just make money by being a corporation?” 

"It's the social event of the season," said Yusuke.  
  
"How the hell do you know what the social event of the season is?" said Futaba.   
  
"I occasionally read the society magazines," answered Yusuke.  
  
" _Why?"_ Futaba demanded.   
  
Yusuke leaned forward, an impassioned look in his eyes. "There is a dismal beauty in the gluttony displayed by the upper class. The pathos of their wastefulness, and the very decadence of wealth itself-"  
  
"Okay," Ryuji interrupted. "So why are we all invited?"  
  
"Honestly?" Ann said. "I think Haru probably thought it was funny."  
  
Ann could understand it, because lately Haru was turning to petty behavior to relieve stress when it came to family matters. It wasn’t as if she could really act out– Ann was pretty sure Haru didn’t even know how to throw fits; she’d grown up so well-behaved. Instead she engaged in passive-aggression that fulfilled her need for rebellion. Inviting her socially maladjusted friends to an important company event was like saying "Fuck you, Dad!" without actually saying it. Ann had never been that good at being passive-aggressive, herself, but she was happy Haru had found an outlet.   
  
They talked about it for a little while longer, the four of them sitting in a Leblanc booth with untouched study notes spread out in front of them on the table. Yusuke wanted to know about the food. Futaba thought it sounded like a waste of time, but wanted to support Haru and know about the food as well. Ryuji asked if they would have to pay for the food. None of them knew the answer.   
**  
**Then, Ryuji said, "Well, I'll be fine with whatever as long as I don't have to talk to Ren's weird boyfriend."  
  
Huh? "Who's Ren's boyfriend?" Ann asked.  
  
They all looked at her.  
  
"This is what happens when you _study abroad_ for a semester," said Futaba. “Total detachment from our world.”  
  
"Seriously, who is it?” Ann asked again, distressed at being left out of the loop. 

“Dude, didn’t you see all those pictures he's posted?” Ryuji asked.   
  
"Oh," said Ann. She unlocked her phone with a swipe, pulled up the app, and went through Ren’s posting history. "Oh!” she said again. “This guy!"   
  
"That guy," Ryuji said, with venom.    


Ann had seen the pictures before. She’d thought that the man in the photos looked… placid. Pretty, but boring, honestly. Ren usually liked difficult people, different people, people that Ann could usually identify just by their appearances because they wore heavy makeup or merchandise for bands that Ann didn’t know about, and the way they always seemed vaguely surprised by and somewhat disdainful of Ann’s friendliness.

But this guy seemed like someone Ann could get along with, or so she’d thought– so she hadn’t even considered he could be, like, actually for real  _ dating _ Ren. Ann looked at the photo again. "This just doesn't seem like the type of guy that Ren would want as a boyfriend."   
  
"I don’t get it, either,” muttered Futaba. “Did you know he once called Ren his  _ beau  _ in front of me?” She shuddered. “Who says that?”

“I recently accompanied Ren to eat curry, and when he took something home for his boyfriend, he requested the most bland option on the menu,” said Yusuke, eyebrows furrowing. 

“He said the  _ Transformers _ movies are plebeian,” raged Ryuji. “Plebeian!’ 

“Really?” Ann squinted at her phone. There had to be more to this guy than met the eye. “He doesn’t seem  _ that _ bad, but... What’s his name?”   
  
"Oh, yes, Akechi," said Makoto the next day, left eyebrow doing that scrunching thing it did when she was being dishonest. "He seems, ah, nice.”   
  
"You're so bad at lying," Ann said fondly, shifting closer to her. They were having lunch in the break room at the office Makoto interned at, so they couldn’t touch very much. But it was hard to be so near her girlfriend and required to keep her distance.    
  
Makoto leaned slightly against her shoulder and sighed. "All right, I don't like him. His manner is… disingenuous, somehow. And when I’ve spoken with him, he’s come off as condescending." Her eyes narrowed. “And he’s in my major, so…”

Ann understood– Akechi was instant competition! Makoto was so driven. Ann had never been the same way, but it was pretty hot when Makoto got fired up.     
  
“Why do you think Ren’s dating him?” Ann asked. “Did they seem good together?” 

“They appeared to get along well…” Makoto shrugged. "Ren is smart about people, don’t you think?”

“Not when his dick is involved,” Ann replied.

A year or two ago Makoto would have turned red-faced, but now she just rolled her eyes. “Well, that may be true, but I don’t think Ren was ever under any illusions about the true natures of the people he’s had… liaisons with. So I hesitate to think he’s being fooled by Akechi. I suppose I just don’t know Akechi that well.” She looked contemplative. “That bothers me a little.”

“Right? Right?” Ann said eagerly. “There’s got to be hidden depths to this guy we don’t know about. And if he’s actually, seriously, dating Ren, I want to get to know him!”

“If anyone can, it’s you. But I don’t think it’ll be that easy,” Makoto said thoughtfully. "It’s just a guess, but from what I’ve picked up on, maybe… Ren might be the only person he's honest with." 

* * *

Ann forgot about Akechi for a while until she next saw his profile while scrolling through her social media feed. A brief stint of stalking began, during which she learned nothing new. She needed information from a different perspective– she needed Ren. And when she ran into him the next day as they were walking to class, she seized her chance.

"So!" Ann said brightly. "Haru's big thing is this weekend."   
  
"Oh, yeah," Ren said. "I asked Haru why a corporation was having a fundraiser, but then she told me they’re going to have those little pastries I like, so…”     
  
"Are you, um... gonna bring your boyfriend?"   
  
“Oh, Goro? Yeah, probably. He’ll appreciate the chance to network or whatever.”

“Network?”

“Yeah. He sees the value in social climbing." Ren laughed.    
  
“Oh, okay,” Ann said. 

“He’s not, like, classist or anything. Just cares about his career.” Ren shrugged. "He says it's all about the people you know."   
  
"Wow." What a blatant order of priorities. "I'm surprised he's not dating Haru. Or the dude equivalent of Haru?"   
  
"Oh, he's not dating me for who I know.” Ren smirked. It was a look of immense personal self-satisfaction that Ann had seen on Ren’s face many times before. 

Oh. “So it is just about sex,” Ann said, a little disappointed.    
  
“What? No. I mean, yeah, that, but also,it’s…” He stopped walking and turned to her. “Listen, I know the others don't like Goro that much."   
  
“Well…” said Ann.

Ren scratched his nose. “I get it. He’s kinda hard to get to know, and he has a leather wallet he got specially monogrammed, and he says things like  _ post-structuralism _ and looks around at everyone like he expects them to know what he’s talking about. But I like him a lot, and he likes me a lot.”

“So… this is going to be a long-term thing?”

Ren smiled bashfully. “Yeah.”

“Wow,” Ann said. They were silent for a moment, marvelling together at the phenomenon of Ren actually settling down, before she offered, “I guess it doesn’t hurt that he’s hot.”

“Oh, no, not at all,” Ren replied, and then they had to get to class before it started.    
  
A few days later they were all at the Okumura Foods event. Ann was having a good time chatting with her friends and people-watching when she felt Makoto’s hand firmly clasp her shoulder. It was only then that she realized she was being stared at by a large portion of the guests. 

“I think people are looking at me,” she whispered to Makoto.

“Well, of course they are,” Makoto said, smiling at her. “You look beautiful.” 

“Huh? Nah, that can’t be it. Oh!” Ann noticed two figures approaching them. “That’s Ren, and Akechi!” 

They looked good together, relationship-wise and also aesthetically. Ann got a better glance at Akechi as they approached. In real life he did seem like the kind of guy who would say  _ post-structuralism _ .    


“Hey, guys,” Ren said to them. “Where are the pastries? I lined my pockets with napkins so I could take some home.”

“I lined my purse with napkins!” Futaba said. They fist-bumped.

"Ren!" Haru said cheerfully. "Would you come with me? I'd like to introduce you to my father."   
  
"Oh, sure," Ren replied. "You want to annoy him, right?"   
  
Haru only smiled and put a hand at Ren's back to lead him away. "You should really discuss your thoughts on labor unions.”   
  
“Sounds great.” Ren turned and mouthed  _ see you _ to Akechi, who nodded a little stiffly. 

“Ann,” Makoto murmured, and Ann turned to her. Makoto leaned closer and said into her ear, “This could be your chance.”

It was true– this was a perfect opportunity to learn more about Akechi. 

“See if you can find out how he did on the last exam,” Makoto continued in a whisper.

“I’ll try, I guess,” Ann said, and nodded to Makoto before going over to Akechi. 

She tapped him on the shoulder, and when he looked up, she smiled and said, “Hey, Akechi! I know you probably wanted to go social climbing, but can I talk to you for a minute?”    


“Social…” Akechi looked briefly perturbed, but smiled pleasantly and nodded. “Yes, of course. And you are?”

“Oh, Takamaki! I’m Ren’s friend.”

“Ah, yes, he’s told me a lot about you. Was there… anything specific you wanted to discuss?”

Huh. It was weird– Akechi seemed perfectly nice, but Ann was getting some kind of a strong defensive vibe. She tried a gentle approach. “Well, I just thought we should get to know each other, since you’re the first person Ren’s been seriously into in a while.”

"The first person he’s been seriously into?” Akechi repeated.

“Yeah… you did know that, right?”

Akechi had a strange expression on his face. “I thought he’d been in quite a few relationships.”

“Well, those were more like flings, you know? Not like, actual stable things. Uhhh…” She was noticing that Akechi’s face was turning a little pale. “Are you okay?” She frowned. “You are… also serious about Ren, right?”

For a moment, Akechi didn’t answer. Then his expression smoothed out and he laughed. “Haha. I’m sorry. I must seem foolish to you. No, I’m very serious about Ren. I just didn’t think he was serious about me.”

“Ohhh,” Ann said in understanding. “Uh… so isn’t this good?”

Akechi paused. Then he said, “Would you like to go get some pastries?”

They went to get some pastries. Akechi bit into a macaron with distant eyes. “I… don’t have much relationship experience. And the thing about Ren… I like him so much it's actually somewhat frightening. I’ve never felt that way about anyone before." He seemed to realize he’d said too much and cleared his throat.

"I know the feeling!" Ann said encouragingly. 

"Oh? So you know what it's like when you’re overwhelmed with infatuation so strong that envy and desire seem to blend together, causing an explosion of feeling and what one may only refer to as a total disintegration of boundaries between yourself and your lover?” Akechi asked, eyes suddenly intensifying.     
  
"...Er, sure?" said Ann. "Look, this stuff all takes time and practice. I think a good way to get used to it would be to talk to Ren’s other friends."

“Ah,” Akechi said. “You mean Okumura, and the two with dyed hair? And the disgruntled creative?”

“Yeah, I mean, you could learn their names– those are Futaba, Ryuji, and Yusuke, I think– but good start!”

“They didn’t seem to like me very much when I interacted with them previously.”

“Well, how much did you talk to them?”

“We had… a few conversations. I don’t really remember.”

“Well, that’s…” Ann frowned, a little annoyed. “You should make an effort to remember, then.”

“Excuse me?” Akechi said incredulously.

“If you really are serious about Ren, you should know about the things that are important to him, and we– his friends– are a big part of his life! I mean, not to have a big head or anything. But it’s true!”

“I… hadn’t thought about it that way,” Akechi said slowly.

“I’m not super great with people or anything, so I don’t mean to sound like an authority, but I think trying a little harder would help.” Ann put a hand on her hip.

“You’re… not great with people?” Akechi looked incredulous. Then he laughed. “Do you really think so? You’ve just given me, for all intents and purposes, a stranger, very good advice. And I can tell just from the way you speak that you have a wealth of knowledge about interpersonal relationships. Do you really not realize that this is one of your strengths, and a trait you could greatly benefit from?”

Ann blinked. “I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

Akechi was studying her closely. Ann felt as if she was being analyzed, in a kind of borderline-creepy Sherlock Holmes manner. She cleared her throat. “Anyway! How about you talk a little with Makoto? Right now?” 

“Ah… Niijima. Well, I suppose,” Akechi said dubiously, “though I don’t think her opinion of me is very high either.”

“That can change! Come on.” Ann took Akechi’s arm and began dragging him back towards where Makoto was standing. 

Makoto was chatting with Yusuke, but she looked up and approached Ann when she saw her draw near. She and Akechi regarded each other.

"You look nice," offered Akechi.

"Thank you,” Makoto said, clearing her throat. 

There was a silence. Ann was wondering if she should say something when Makoto abruptly said “How’s your health?”

“My… health?” Akechi said, blinking. 

“Yes,” Makoto said, looking more self-assured. “Studying can take a toll on your body. It’s important to take care of yourself. Do you exercise?”

“Are you questioning my–” Akechi began, but when he saw Ann glaring at him he quickly added “I do, actually…” instead of challenging Makoto to a spontaneous athletic competition. 

And then, to Ann’s delight, they began to have an actual conversation. 

It was nice. To see the stiffness in Makoto's expression ease a little, and Akechi relax. Akechi had looked at her like he couldn’t figure out the reason she’d bother connecting with people if it didn’t bring her some kind of immediate benefit. But she hadn’t even thought of herself as trying to make a purposeful effort in that regard, and wasn’t it just nice, just to see this? To know that maybe her friends could end up genuinely liking her best friend’s boyfriend, in a way that would, maybe, hopefully, make everyone a little happier?    
  
She began formulating a mental plan. Haru wouldn't be too hard, though she'd probably have a little too much fun making fun of Akechi in the beginning in her weirdly merry way. Futaba could be hostile, and she’d have to train Akechi on how best to approach her, but it could work. Ryuji would be fine, he was actually pretty accepting– Akechi would just have to be civil, and if he would just sit for a bit and listen to Yusuke talk about art…    
  
Oh, and there was Morgana. "Sushi," Ann said suddenly. The tuna kind, she thought. Maybe I can sneak some into Akechi's pockets.    
  
“What?” Akechi said. Ann snapped back to attention and realized he and Makoto were both looking at her.

“You just said  _ sushi  _ in a strange deep voice,” Makoto said.

“Oh!” Ann smiled sheepishly. “Was just thinking I should go back to the food table.”

“I should go find Ren,” Akechi said. He hesitated and looked to Ann, as if asking permission. 

"Yeah, go ahead!" said Ann. "You've earned canoodling time."   
  
"Canoodling," repeated Akechi. 

“It was nice talking to you,” Makoto said to Akechi, and even sounded a little like she meant it. 

Later on Ann saw Ren again, after he’d been suspiciously absent for a while.    
  
"Why is your hair messy?" Ann asked when he greeted her.    
  
Ren’s smirk widened. "There’s a closet across from the door to the stairs, and–”  

“Okay, you don’t have to continue,” Ann said quickly. How literally had Akechi taken  _ canoodling _ ?!    


“But hey, Goro told me he talked to you. And that he wanted to get to know my friends better.” Ren grinned at her. “Did you do something?”

“I guess I did,” Ann said, relieved that it had worked. 

"Thanks for talking to him, seriously. I love you, you know."   
  
"Love you too.” Ann beamed at him. 

She went back to Makoto afterwards, yawning. “I’m exhausted.”

“Would you like to head home?”

“Mm, maybe in a little. There’s still food. Plus,” Ann said, winding an arm around Makoto’s waist, “I heard there’s a closet near the stairs?”

Overall, it was quite a nice evening out. 


	5. Ease of Transportation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goro has an encounter with a strange man on a business trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote this on a plane, so no one can accuse me of inauthenticity now.

Efficiency. That was the goal Goro had set for this business trip. It would be quick and easy and methodical and then he’d have plenty of time left for… sightseeing, or watching television in the hotel room with the blinds shut, or whatever.

Well, if he was truly being efficient he’d stay at the Spartan hotel his boss had recommended, but come on. You had to live a little. He’d convinced her to put him up in a respectable five-star joint. At company expense, of course. Life was really so much easier when one knew how to effectively weaponize one’s charm.

The first barrier to an efficient trip was the idiot he had the misfortune to be stuck behind during boarding. He was holding up everyone’s progress with his apparent inability to lift and stow his dinky carry-on suitcase in the overhead bin. He’d been at it for a few minutes now, but he couldn’t muster the weight. It was actually a little sad, in a pathetic sense, but Goro would have more pity if he wasn’t about to explode with irritation. 

A woman behind Goro made a disgruntled noise for the sixth time. Goro decided enough was enough. He tapped the man on the shoulder. The person turned around and looked up at Goro. He was wearing thick black glasses and was otherwise nondescript. 

“Allow me to help with that,” Goro said with a demure smile. Without waiting for a response, Goro heftily lifted the suitcase and all but threw it up into the bin with a  _ thud _ . 

“Wow,” the man said. He regarded Goro. “You’re… strong.”

“Yes,” Goro said, and flexed his wrists meaningfully. The intent was to establish a subtle threat to show this guy what he could theoretically do to him if he didn’t get a fucking move on already, but the man just widened his eyes at the gesture before looking up to give Goro a slow, simmering smirk that somehow changed the entire shape of his face. 

...What a freak. Goro was momentarily caught off guard. But before he could do anything else the man grinned cheekily at him before smoothly slid into his window seat. 

Who did this guy think he was? Whatever. Efficiency. Goro decided to think nothing of it before taking his own place in the aisle seat of the opposite row. 

After the rest of the philistines on his flight had boarded, Goro leaned back and half-listened to the old safety spiel from the flight attendants before he noticed a diminutive old lady was sitting next to him. How ideal– these types were always handing out free gum. Goro quickly introduced himself. He would listen to any number of stories about recalcitrant grandchildren in exchange for gum. 

With the coveted gum acquired, takeoff went fine. Goro read a trashy romance novel whose book jacket he had replaced with that of an intimidating-looking book about law for an hour or two before feeling the need to heed nature’s call. When he got up, he felt Inept Suitcase Guy’s eyes on him, but Goro refused to bite.  _ Efficiency is the name of the game.  _ Distractions were not welcome. 

Upon returning from the bathroom, he was greeted with a terrible sight.

The sweet old woman was gone. In her place was– Goro swallowed and resisted the urge to gnash his teeth–  _ Suitcase Guy.  _

Glasses Freak smiled up at Goro as he stood shell-shocked in the aisle. Automatically, Goro turned to where he’d last seen him. Goro’s elderly companion was sitting there, placidly reading a magazine. 

“What,” Goro said, “happened to–”

“She felt a draft,” Scrawny Bastard informed him solemnly, “so I offered to move.”

“This is a plane,” Goro all-but-hissed, gesturing at the controls for the air. “You control the drafts.”

The four-eyed fiend only shrugged. 

Goro took a breath.  _ Fine. Whatever. I manipulated my answers to get Type B on that personality quiz Ann made me take. I’m laid-back. I’m fine. It’s nothing. Efficiency, for God’s sake.  _ He gave Curly Hair– okay, that was another identifying feature– a clipped smile before sitting down.

“I’m Ren, by the way,” the man said cheerfully, after Goro had gotten re-settled and put on his seatbelt again with restrained vehemence.

An introduction was just as well, because Goro was running out of derogatory epithets. “I’m Tatsuya Sudou,” Goro lied.

“Hmm. Is that a friend’s?” Ren pointed to the planner Sae had bought for him that had  _ GORO AKECHI  _ embossed in bold letters.

God damn it. “No, it’s mine,” Goro muttered. 

“Oh,” said Ren. He seemed amused. Goro had a brief fantasy of what outside air pressure at 30,000 feet would do to an unprotected human body. 

“So,” Ren said. “Come here often?”

“This is a plane,” Goro replied.

“And how strange,” Ren said meaningfully, “that an attractive man should end up sitting next to another attractive man on such a plane.”

“I wouldn’t call it strange.”

“Simple chance? Or fate?” Ren said, unperturbed. “Who can say?”

“I’m actually just going to–” Goro pointed at his phone and his earbuds before giving Ren a false-apologetic smile. 

Ren’s lips curled in a pout. Goro placed his earbuds in his ears and turned up the volume to avoid thinking about Ren’s mouth. 

He was only able to enjoy peace for a few minutes before Ren spoke up again. “You seem bored,” he said. 

“I assure you that I’m not bored,” Goro said through his teeth. “I am having a perfectly nice time sitting here and not talking.”

“You’re jiggling your leg like you’re bored,” Ren pointed out. 

“Maybe I’m–” Goro made a short, sharp gesture to point to his earbuds. “Maybe I’m jiggling to the beat.”

“But I can kind of hear the beat because you have it playing pretty loud and it doesn’t seem like you are,” Ren said cheerfully.

“Yes I am,” Goro said, unconsciously changing the pattern of his jiggling.  

“You just changed the pattern of your jiggling,” Ren said, leaning closer. 

“Oh, for–”

“Can I hear your music?” Ren asked suddenly.

“Fine. Fine,” Goro snapped, with the reasoning that at least he would be able to prove that he was jiggling correctly. He pulled off an earbud and passed it to Ren.

Ren leaned over and placed it in his ear. Goro waited for his personal space to be invaded, but Ren maintained a respectful distance as he cocked his head and appeared to consider the music. Strange. For a second there Goro almost felt like he wanted Ren to put his head on his shoulder. How laughable. That fluffy head of his would probably just tickle Goro’s neck. Was it possible to be allergic to hair? Ren’s sort of looked like it could induce sneezing and watery eyes. Seemed soft, though. Not that Goro was thinking about how Ren’s hair would feel. Whatever.  

“This is… loud,” said Ren.

“It’s harsh noise,” replied Goro. “I find it calming.”

“Hmm,” Ren said thoughtfully. “I kind of like it.”

Despite himself, Goro was mildly touched. No one had ever said as much about his harsh noise before. 

“I like a man with  _ different _ tastes,” Ren said meaningfully. 

“Is that some kind of euphemism?” Goro said, narrowing his eyes. 

Ren shrugged. “Do you want it to be a euphemism?”

Feeling that any answer could be used against him, Goro stayed silent. He and Ren listened to the deafening clanging for a while before Goro found himself yawning. 

“Tired?” Ren asked him. 

“I think I might try to nap,” Goro said with a pleasant smile. “Rest is essential on flights like these.”

Ren nodded his understanding. “Want me to read you the in-flight magazine?”

“Why,” Goro asked flatly, “would I want that.”

“People say I have a soothing voice. It could lull you to sleep.”

Goro opened his mouth to retort that Ren’s voice sounded like nothing, but closed it again after considering that that would be a little too vitriolic, even for him. Besides, it wasn’t exactly true. Ren’s soft voice kind of reminded him of… a gentle midsummer rain, perhaps. Oh, God. No, it was nothing. Definitely nothing.  _ Whatever _ . “Well, if you want,” Goro found himself muttering.

Ren beamed and pulled the magazine out of the seat pocket. He opened to a random page and began reading from a random paragraph about the best way to organize one’s work area. After a while of that, he paused. “You don’t seem sleepy.”

“I’m just interested in organization,” Goro said quickly, though really he was focusing on the way Ren smoothly said the words. It was distracting.

“If you’re into organizations, I know of an exclusive club we could join,” Ren said cheerfully. 

“I didn’t mean–” Goro began.

“Just say the word and I’ll meet you in the bathroom.”

“Haha,” Goro said, panicking and fuming simultaneously, but Ren was laughing. 

“Relax, I’m joking.”

“Oh.”

“Unless you want to.”

“I think I’ll pass,” Goro said, smiling a little despite himself. He swallowed the urge to laugh and be charmed. He would  _ not  _ be charmed by a random man with– okay, nice hair. No. Besides the point. Being charmed was not in the interest of efficiency. 

Sleep evaded him, so the rest of the flight passed in Ren’s unlikely company. He was still irritating and flirty and Goro wasn’t sure how to respond to his request to feel Goro’s bicep, but it wasn’t all that bad to have someone to talk to. Goro even felt compelled to give him some gum. Strangely, Ren seemed to become more good-looking by the minute. Goro had no idea what to make of it. Probably Goro was just getting used to Ren’s face. Whatever. 

When they finally touched down on land, the wait on the runway was blissfully short before all the passengers were allowed to leave. Before exiting, Goro pulled Ren’s suitcase out of the bin without him having to ask. Ren smiled gratefully.

On the way out, Ren murmured little quips to Goro while walking behind him. Goro was rapidly changing his opinion of Ren’s voice. It definitely wasn’t soothing, especially when it was low in his ear like this and making Goro feel extremely alert and decidedly unsoothed.

“Well,” Goro said after they disembarked. He pulled out his phone. “I have a connecting flight that leaves fairly soon, so I should probably head to my gate–”  

But before his eyes, the screen he was looking at suddenly changed. Where before the display had informed him that his phone was on time, it now let him know that– 

“A  _ ten-hour-delay? _ ” Goro yelped, feeling ill as a physical effect of his best-laid plans crumbling into dust. 

“Oh, dear,” Ren said solemnly, looking over at his screen. “It looks like that’s my flight.”

“We’re going to the  _ same place _ ?” Goro said in disbelief. 

“That’s crazy. I guess I have a ten-hour layover now too.” When Goro looked over at him he was grinning and typing rapidly on his own phone. 

“Why do you look happy?” Goro asked suspiciously. 

“Oh, just talking to my little sister,” Ren said flippantly, before putting his phone away. 

"I cannot believe this,” Goro seethed.

“Are you going to get mad and throw things that I wouldn’t even be able to lift?’ Ren asked eagerly.

“...No.”

“Oh. Well, anyway, let’s explore the airport,” Ren suggested.

“It’s an airport,” Goro muttered, still grouchy about the bad news. “They’re all more or less the same.”

“Not true,” Ren said, and sidled closer to him. “Some airports have… secluded areas.”

He felt very close, and his voice was low and charged. Goro slowly turned to look at him, and they regarded each other.

Goro suddenly felt a strange urge and reached up to take Ren’s glasses. Ren let him. Goro pulled them off, and when he looked in Ren’s eyes Ren looked into his in return.

...Oh, what the hell. 

He hadn’t noticed before, but Ren had beautiful eyes– stormy gray, with long lashes. Plus, a nice mouth. “You have a nice mouth,” Goro found himself saying. 

Ren opened his nice mouth, but Goro reached up to cover it with his palm. “Don’t say anything obnoxious or I’ll change my mind about my secluded area and your secluded area.”

During their search for a place to engage in questionable activity, Ren gestured to a sign pointing in the direction of the airport chapel and looked at Goro.

“Are you serious,” Goro said.

Ren shrugged. “No one ever goes in airport chapels.”

“I am not going to even entertain the– that’s heinous.”

“Are you religious?” Ren inquired.

_ “Beside the point! _ ”

It was actually surprisingly easy to seek out an isolated corner for their own purposes. Goro felt slightly scandalized about the whole thing, but after all, it was a long layover. There was nothing wrong with finding a way to pass the time. Efficiently, of course.

Afterwards, he was sitting next to Ren near their gate, side-by-side in those uncomfortable airport chairs. Ren’s head was on his shoulder, and Goro was leaning on him, too, feeling sleepy. Ren’s hair really did feel soft on his neck. And it smelled nice. Not that Goro was paying attention.

Goro was starting to fall asleep when Ren spoke up. “Does it still count,” he asked, “as the mile-high club when it’s in an airport?”

“No,” Goro said, eyes fluttering open slowly. “Because an airport is on the ground.”

“Oh,” Ren said, sounding disappointed. But then he looked up at Goro and beamed. “Good thing we still have another flight.”


	6. Feature Presentation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wildly famous actor Goro Akechi attends a red-carpet premier at the theater where Ren Amamiya works.

It was something about how their theater had, like, good acoustics, or its small-town charm was perfectly correlated to the setting of this movie, or some other bullshit like that. Ren didn’t know. He wasn’t really paying attention to the reason for why his workplace had been chosen as the exclusive site for a red-carpet premiere. All he knew was that his efforts to avoid the whole thing were all for naught and he would be working concessions on the big night. 

“You should be hyped!” Ann had told him with a big smile after she had forced him to cover her shift through the power of repetitive, annoying whining and begging. “I really, really wish I could be there, but Shiho’s in town that day… All the stars are coming to attend, so it’ll be a really big deal. Like Goro Akechi!”

“Who?” Ren had said, and before Ann could yell at him for not knowing anything she had been distracted by a text message or a cute dog walking past or a shampoo commercial. Possibly all three, simultaneously. Ren couldn’t really remember.

Well, it didn’t matter who Koro Takechi was. All that mattered was that Ann owed him one and in a few hours, this would be over and he could be in bed with his cat kneading his little paws painfully into Ren’s chest. That was literally all Ren wanted out of life.

The premiere  _ was  _ a big deal, and you had to know someone if you wanted to attend, but that didn’t stop random people from coming by the theater in the hours before and asking for a ticket.

“We don’t sell tickets here,” Ren told one particular middle-aged man, blank-faced. “This is the concessions stand.”

“Well, how can I get one?” the man demanded. “I want to speak to a manager.”

“I’ll tell you. You have to leave this theater,” said Ren, “and go far away. And then call here.” He wrote down Ann’s personal phone number on a napkin and slid it to the man.

“Are you sure this is how I can get in?” the asked doubtfully.

“Yes.”

That took care of that, but then Ren had nothing else with which to entertain himself with until the premiere happened. He busied himself with methodically chewing on Red Vines until the hours passed by and finally, it was time.

There was a commotion outside the theater beginning at seven in the evening, and Ren sighed and steeled himself to deal with a barrage of people. Soon enough, the doors opened and a throng of people who looked very well-dressed and very boring entered. Ren could see a bunch of paparazzi outside and hear camera shutters clicking before the doors closed once more.  

Ren had been hoping that rich, famous people and their friends would think themselves above concessions, but this proved to not be the case. In fact, the concessions counter was positively mobbed that evening with requests for various carb-laden snacks. Ren felt himself enter a state of flow as he handed out candy and cashiered with all the grace and agility of a monk. This was his art.

The nightmare ended after the better part of an hour and the movie began, leaving everyone to enter the theater. Ren breathed a sigh of relief and wondered idly what the movie was about. Ann had tried explaining the plot to him, but he had been distracted because he was thinking about his cat. Possibly it was a rom-com. Or a thriller. Or a thrilling, suspenseful rom-com. Ren was fine with not knowing.

The lobby was completely empty after a while; the whole theater had been closed for the event. Ren smiled. Now he could return to maladaptive daydreaming.

After a while of nothing, someone finally appeared in the lobby. It was a man on the taller side, good-looking in a boring celebrity way, walking towards concessions with a purposeful stride. He seemed to be looking right at Ren. Ren scratched the back of his neck, unsure what to make of this development.

“Hello,” Ren said when the man neared. “Would you like to buy some Red Vines?”

The man had been smiling at him, but his face morphed into an expression of confusion at the words. “What? Oh. No thank you.”

“We’ve got a deal on nachos,” said Ren. 

“That’s… ha. No, I don’t require anything like that.”

“Do you… need to know where the bathroom is?” Ren said slowly. 

“Ah. No. Ha ha.” This dude sure had a weird laugh. “I just wanted to get away from the movie, for a little bit.”

“Aren’t you at the premier because you want to see the movie?”

The man looked at him slightly incredulously, and then smiled politely again. “I’m at the premier because I have to be at the premier.” 

“Oooookay,” Ren said.

“I’m in the movie,” said the man. 

“Oh,” Ren said, and remembered something suddenly. “Oh! You’re him, right?” He pointed a Red Vine at the man. “You’re Koro Takechi.” 

“Goro Akechi,” said the man, who was looking a little miffed. “Actually. But close enough. I’m a little surprised you haven’t heard of me.” 

Ren shrugged. “I don’t really keep up with popular media. You didn’t want to see the movie?”

“Mm, not particularly. After acting in something, I’m never really fond of watching my own performance.”

“Seems like it’d be helpful, though,” said Ren. “Then you could figure out what you need to improve on.”

“Improve?” Akechi said, tilting his head. “Do you think I need to improve?” He leaned over and looked at Ren with an intimidating stare. 

“Er,” Ren said. “Like I said, I don’t consume a lot of media. So I don’t know how you act.”

“Hm. Well. Right.” Akechi smiled brightly again. “So. Anyway. What do you do here…” He looked at the nametag on Ren’s chest. “...Ren?” 

“I sell food,” Ren said. 

“Ah. Do you like it?"

“It’s a job.” 

“How long have you worked here?”

Ren narrowed his eyes. “Are you a cop?” 

Akechi hummed. “You don’t seem very enthusiastic about the premiere. Do you like films?” 

“I like movies,” said Ren. 

“Sorry?”

“I like movies. I don’t like  _ films _ . That are like, art house or avant-garde or experimental or something.” 

“Oh,” Akechi said knowingly. Ren waited. Akechi definitely seemed like the type to passive-aggressively call him an uncultured swine. But instead of that, he only paused for a moment before telling Ren, “Truth be told, I’m pegged as a serious actor. But sometimes I’d much rather perform more lighthearted roles. Tell me, what’s your favorite genre?” 

“...I like superheroes,” Ren admitted. 

Akechi broke into a grin. “Me, too.”

“Really?” 

Akechi nodded and smiled brightly. “You know, Ren…” He folded his elbows on the counter and winked. “I can sense something between us, in this poorly-lit theater with dirty floors. It almost feels like we were meant to meet here. You, the humble worker, and I, the beloved, talented star.”

“...You should probably get back to your thing,” said Ren. 

Akechi pouted. “Don’t you like being around me?” He paused. “People tend to really want to be around me, you know.”

“Cool,” said Ren.

“All the time.”

“All right.”

“Because I’m famous.”

“Great,” said Ren. “Look, I get all that, but I don’t know. You may be famous and important, but I guess I just can’t... see you as a real person. So.” 

“...A real person?”

“Yeah. I mean, no one can be famous and perfect and charming all the time, right? Celebrities are weird.”

“You think I’m perfect and charming?” Akechi asked eagerly. 

“You clearly want me to think that,” Ren muttered. 

Akechi sighed. “What can I do to seem real to you, then?”

Ren shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe you can’t. We’ve only been talking for, like, five minutes.”

Akechi looked lost in thought. “...I want to try, anyway. To prove to you that I’m more than just flawless and beautiful and effervescent. Though I am all of those things, of course.” 

“Sure,” said Ren.

“So,” Akechi said coquettishly. “If I can manage to do so, what’s my reward?” 

“Uh…” Akira looked around. “I have a lot of Red Vines.” 

“...I don’t really want Red Vines.”

“Sour Patch?” Ren asked. 

Akechi leaned forward and winked again. Surely there was a law or something about how many times someone was allowed to wink in the span of ten minutes. “How about you give me something else? Something only  _ you  _ can give me. Something I can have forever… a memory of this night.”

_ Oh,  _ Ren realized. Akechi was coming on to him. He took a moment to consider this. Ann would probably be losing her shit right now. He squinted at Akechi, trying to give him a good once-over. He had very nice eyes. Dark red. They made him look sort of dangerous, in a way that didn’t seem to correspond with the rest of his image. 

“You’re, uh, looking at me very hard!” said Akechi, with a nervous laugh. 

“If you really want a memory or whatever,” Ren said, “then that’s cool, but I want you to take me to dinner first. And not here, because I’m not into that, and also the bathroom is kind of gross.” 

“That’s not–!” Akechi sputtered. “That is not what I meant!” He composed himself. “Okay. How’s this? If I prove myself, and you think I’m real enough _ …  _ He winked at Ren. Seriously, this was not normal. Maybe he had an eye spasm or something. “Then you’ll give me a kiss.”

Well, Ren had been ready for way more, so a kiss was nothing, relatively. “Sure.” 

Akechi beamed. “Lovely!”

And then there was a short pause.

“Well,” said Akechi, breaking the silence. “When I was younger I used to kill ants for fun.”

“Sorry?” said Ren.

“With a magnifying glass. It was a short-term bad habit,” Akechi said quickly. “I got over it.”

“Okay,” Ren said. “I don’t know what you thought telling me that would accomplish, but I feel like it was counterproductive.” 

Akechi frowned. “Did it not make me seem more human and relatable?”

“Sorta the opposite,” Ren said.

Akechi sighed and tapped a finger against his chin. “Ah… How’s this? All of my actions are motivated by a crippling fear of failure and loneliness.” 

“Well, that’s more relatable,” said Ren, folding his arms, “but I’m still not convinced.”

Akechi sighed again. For a moment, he said nothing. He seemed to be thinking hard. Then: “Hand me that box,” he said.

“...This box?” Ren gestured to the Red Vines he was eating.

Akechi nodded grimly. Ren shrugged and handed them over.

Akechi accepted the box. He removed two Red Vines. Then, with careful precision, he inserted them into his nostrils so they stayed there. He looked at Ren with an indecipherable expression. 

Ren’s mouth fell open.

“I,” Akechi said, sounding strained, “am a walrus.” 

Ren was still shocked for another moment. Then he started to laugh, at first quietly, but then louder and louder. He bent over, clutching his stomach, and laughed so hard his shoulders shook.

“So?” Akechi said, and the sound of his voice made Ren look up and wipe the tears from his eyes. He sounded disgruntled. “Am I human enough for you?”

“I’m not sure yet,” Ren said. He considered Akechi, again, the hopeful look on his face, his slight pout. Then he leaned farther over the counter and took Akechi’s face in his hands.

“Oh!” said Akechi, and then his cheeks warmed beneath Ren’s grip. Ren smiled.  _ Now _ Akechi definitely seemed real to him. 

“A deal’s a deal,” said Ren, and he leaned in to kiss Akechi, square on the lips. The Red Vines fell out of his nostrils and landed on the counter. Akechi, caught off guard, made a surprised noise, but it was only for an instant, and then he was kissing Ren back. His lips were kind of chapped. That felt real, too. 

They pulled away just as the doors to the theater opened, and people began to spill out. All of a sudden, noise and commotion had returned to the lobby, but Akechi was disregarding it all, and only smiling at Ren. Ren smiled back. 

“So,” Akechi said. “If not this one, “then will you watch my next fi– movie?”

“I will,” said Ren, “but only if it’s a superhero movie.”

“...Seriously?” Akechi said dubiously. 

“Seriously.” 

“Well, then–” said Akechi, but then someone came up behind him and took him by the arm to drag him away, into the sea of people. He turned, surprise clear on his face, to look at Ren again, and Ren looked back, but it was only for an instant before Akechi disappeared into the crowd.

Ren looked down at the counter, at the Red Vines that had fallen out of Akechi’s nose. They were clearly no longer edible, but Ren would feel bad just throwing them away. After a moment of deliberation he shrugged and tried to tie them in a sort of complicated bow, but it was ineffective and also pretty disgusting, so into the trash they went. 

He didn’t see Akechi again after that night, but a few months later Ren heard his name again, from Ann, who cornered him during work, filled with energy.

“You know that new movie coming out? The superhero one, with Goro Akechi?”

“The what with who?” said Ren. 

“Yeah!” said Ann. “Listen, you won’t believe it– just like last time, they want to do the premiere  _ here _ !” 

Ren’s eyes widened. Then, he smirked to himself. 

“I’m looking forward to it,” he said. 


End file.
